DYLAN BOSCH Funny Status Messages

   Men are terrified of women. Don't believe me? Go use one of those decorative towels in the bathroom. I dare ya."

   You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute..."

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."

   When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind."

   All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy!"

   hates that kids complain about video games for "Loading"... Back in my day we had to blow the sh*t out of games just to play'em and even then it was a gamble to work. So kids, Shut up!"

   so the technology exists allowing us to watch TV and movies in 3-D or HD, but when it comes to security camera footage it still looks like it's being shot with the camera from Blair Witch Project."

   Not that I'm complaining, but I think the sales lady at the furniture store misunderstood when I told her I wanted one nightstand."

   had lucky charms for breakfest. I take this day very seriously."

   When my ex moved out while I was at work, she took my new flat screen tv, but she couldn't find the remote. I will occasionally drive to her house around 2 am and turn the TV on and the volume all the way up. I'll give it 2 years and call us even."

   I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal."

   Oh didnt I tell you? Must have been none of your f*cking business."

   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?"

   Don't be so serious. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me...I'll laugh at you."

   Nothing's more satisfying than when "the one that got away" turns into "whew, dodged that bullet."

   Sometimes I smile in the middle of telling a story, not because I'm fondly remembering something, but because I'm impressed with the BS I am creating on the spot."

   Any story you tell about something you did the night before, that starts with the word "Apparently," is probably awesome."

   I heard that the world is going to end in 2012, because that's only as far as the Mayan calendar goes. But the news gets even worse: I checked MY calendar, and it only goes to the end of this year!"

   the condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave."