Brafty Crastard Funny Status Messages

   I went to the store today to buy a bag of air. To my surprise there were a couple doritos in it.

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?” I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

   Your phone has more computing power now then all of NASA had in 1969. They launched a man into space, we launched angry birds into pigs.

   I wish instead of aiming to please, I could just start shooting to kill. I think it would make me feel better.

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

   My girlfriend is a porn star, she's going to be so pissed when she finds out.

   Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don't ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.”

   When people stutter I have a really bad urge to shout "REMIX!"

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner.

   Go to your profile, look to the right. Now annoy those 8 friends by tagging them in a stupid post about the zombie apoclyspe, or bank robbery, and let them know you have no life.

   I went to a "family style" restaurant, they yelled at me the whole time.

   Let's see how long I can hold your breath under water.

   Sorry I'm not rioting, my tracksuit is in the wash.

   Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire

   On the 4th day of rioting my tru love gave to me, 3 Nike trainers, two ps3's, and a samsung HDTV !

   Refuses to add his co workers on Facebook, I don't want them to see all the sh!t I talk about them on there.

   You know it's time to do laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

   Life is like soup, only the hot ones get blown.

   What are the three fastest forms of communication? Television, telephone, tellawoman.

   What did the little black kid get for Christmas? My bike :(