Abraham Lincoln Funny Status Messages

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.....

   My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said ''This could be worth $5,000,000.00!'' After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"' he tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!'

   I suggest we Drink!..... Before we go out Drinking!!

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day!!!

   These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee's, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!!!

   I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!

   ''Please punch in your account number, phone number,and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again!''

   You know as soon as my ''Swear Jar'' gets full, I'm going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!

   It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!

   Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!

   A couple who had been together for 25yrs and raised 10 children was asked what the secret to staying together was. The wife replied ''Many years ago we made an agreement that the first one to leave has to take all the children with them!!!''

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day! Teach a man to fish and he will go out and purchase expensive fishing gear, stupid looking clothes,a sports utility vehicle,travel 1000 miles to a lake,to stand waist high to catch 2 fish!

   I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it's health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!

   Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady!!!

   It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them!!!

   Think about how stupid the average person is,and then realize that half of them are stupider than that!!!

   Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!