Funny Status Messages

   Why do we change positions when it’s the same hole? I don’t understand golf at all.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   Hey girl, are you a ketchup bottle? Because I’m gonna flip you over, hit it from the back and make you squirt.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.

   If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.

   Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.

   How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.

   The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.