@zubindalal1 Funny Status Messages

   I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ..... Eat a banana!

   How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

   If I don't mention you, then the status wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace it up and wear it.

   WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.

   Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

   My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

   I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..

   "You've changed" ... No, I think the proper term is "I've stopped trying to please your ass."

   When the "M" of MTV was for music & not for maternity... Those were the days

   If you love somebody... Let them go. If they come back, no one wanted them

   Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama

   Life and beer are very similar……..chill for best results.

   International Women’s Day……Cause it’s not like you want attention on any other day…

   Just realised why women love shoes over clothing, because no matter how much weight they gain, the shoes still fit.

   I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”

   "One Direction" has 12 letters. So does "gayyyyyyyyyy". Coincidence? I think not.