@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   "I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"

   I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

   There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

   According to my nipples, summer is over

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...

   If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.

   I wanted a friend with benefits not a friend on benefits.......

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.

   If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

   Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?

   Don't see the point in calling this phone a iPhone anymore, it' spends that much time on charge it may as well be called a landline!!!

   When I hear someone complain that their towns are boring with nothing to do, all I hear is a boring person who doesn't know how to have fun.

   Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again

   You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

   Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates

   You said you didn't want to text your ex, Tequila determined that was a lie

   Sometimes you have to take a deep breath & remind yourself that you wouldn’t look cute in prison clothes & smile at the jerk & walk away.