@dj_soltrix Funny Status Messages

   In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check for every time we have sex.

   MILFs nowadays are 16 years old.

   If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."

   People that drive below the speed limit are the same people that are never invited to parties.

   Whenever I get a Christmas present that I don't want, I hold onto it and give it to someone else as their birthday gift.

   Whenever a woman says, "I'm going out tonight with the girls;" I like to think she's referring to her boobs.

   GUY IN MALL: "Would you like to improve your balance and try this balance bracelet?" ME: "No thank you. I have toes."

   I love how these photoshop models think they have "fans." Let's be realistic. Most of those people are not your fans, they just want to get you in bed.

   Most of the people in our generation are stupid because we had to grow up watching Elmo.

   The best way to watch the new Adam Sandler film 'Jack & Jill' is to rip it to DVD, let it play on your TV, and then set your house on fire.

   Whenever my girlfriend tells me to "be safe" everytime I walk out the door, that means that I need to carry condoms with me, right?

   How many years of college does it take to hold up one of those business signs on the side of the road again?

   Another way for a guy to confess his virginity to a woman is to tell her he follows Justin Bieber on Twitter.

   Saw a homeless woman with a sign that said, "Mother of two. Please help." So I gave her some condoms.

   I don't understand why people reward others with "brownie points." I can't eat or buy anything with those. Just bake the f*cking brownies.

   It's better Casey Anthony is found not guilty. Let her try and survive amongst the public.

   I hate when women don't have any pictures showing how her butt looks. How else am I going to know if I want to talk to you?

   If you call me and I don't answer, it's exactly what you think. I ignored your call.

   Someone should make a TV game show called "Pregnant Or Not Pregnant?" and have contestants questioning fat girls for prizes.

   I went shopping today for belts, and I used them right away on all the screaming kids at the store.