@beaubridwell Funny Status Messages

   My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn't jiggle while I brush my teeth...

   I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"

   if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart...

   I'm gonna try setting up Occupy Wall Street signs at the local theater in hopes that police will arrest all the Twilight nuts camping out...

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I give them a big hug. I can only imagine how hard life must be for the visually impaired.

   Call me crazy but I think Herman Cain could still win this thing if everyone he groped votes for him...

   You don't have to like me, I'm not a Facebook status...

   My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

   I'm no terrorist, but I have blown up my underwear a time or two...