@TimSWeber Funny Status Messages

   There will be no tomorrow. When it gets here, it will be today. I've played this waiting game before.

   Mythbuster: Homophones were not invented by Alexander Graham Bell's flowery nephew.

   Scientists confirm diarrhea is hereditary, saying it "runs in your jeans."

   "Did you say, 'I'd like to meet her?'" Me: No. I said, I'd like to meat her.

   The tag "in bed" that makes fortune cookies so funny, makes Mother's Day cards creepy. Just sayin' (uncle Bill!).

   I'm scouring the periodic table for the element of surprise. I'm more anxious than the AZ Governor in a Cinco de Mayo parade.

   histogram - n. 1. A greeting card from ones gynocologist. 2. A cracker for a teacher of history.

   I have a chef and a dentist here. You realize what this means right? We can finally clear up the confusion over the origin of tartar sauce!

   Whenever Uncle Eyjafjallajokull would say, "Kids! Pull my finger!" We were smart enough to ignore him. Is there a lesson here Iceland?