@HiYourJon Funny Status Messages

   Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

   I'm assuming everyone else also spent the whole day stockpiling downloaded porn to their computer too; just in case SOPA passes, right guys?

   I wounder if other birds look at pigeons in the same way that we look at homeless crackheads

   Heard a girl just say that she "literally died". So she's either a zombie or too stupid to live. Either way, I threw a stapler at her.

   BREAKING NEWS: Apple has announced that there will be no 2012, only 2011S.

   Thank god I have Facebook to know that Christmas Eve is tomorrow and that people are going Christmas shopping and that Christmas is Sunday.

   The criminals on Scooby Doo suck! A bunch of teenage stoners and a DOG just solved your crime. I think you need a new line of work my friend

   If the Pillsbury Doughboy goes outside on a really really hot day, does he turn into a biscuit??

   Once in a lifetime - a person comes along and changes everything. I am not that person. But I did meet him once and acted awkward when I was around him.

   I'm waiting for Joseph Kony to make a YouTube video advocating against jerking off in public.

   Todays a perfect day to walk down the street dressed as Santa Clause while holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, sobbing & yelling  "You guys forgot about me!"

   Yesterday was the second day, of the second week, of the second month, of the second year, of the second decade, of the second milliennium = Twoception

   A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"

   One time when I was 8 years old, a bear wearing a hat came up to me in the woods and told me ONLY I could prevent forest fires. Why he chose me, I will never know.

   Whoever taught Yoda English in High School did a horrible job.

   So I brought like 19 goldfish to a 'Cash for Gold' store and they wouldn't even pay me a dollar. Not even a dollar! THIS IS BULLSHIIT!!!

   These girls in my online class are sooo hot hot. ... Oh wait nevermind, that's just internet porn.

   When sh!t hits the fan, you have to make the decision to stop chilling with people who throw their own feces at ceiling fans. Seriously guys

   I take the cat approach to things now. When people that I don't like pass by, I just hiss at them.

   I love Sundays, because my Italian grandmother cooks THE BEST crystal meth.