Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that's trying to kill them.

   one male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up and one friend secretly hoping it ends.

   They say getting over someone is directly proportional to how much they meant to you. That was the hardest 15 minutes of my life.

   The only reason that I haven't yelled at anyone yet is because I am reserving my energy for a slapping spree...

   I think hugs are often mistakenly give where a swift kick in the ass would be more appropriate...

   3 things I've learned in school: Texting without looking, Sleeping without getting caught, TEAMWORK on tests

   discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

   Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious."

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Though I love and embrace all the cultures of the world, I still have to laugh when the guy at the customer service center in India says "What's up, bro? My name's Dave. How's it going?"

   Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

   If you recieve something that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend.

   I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in. I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?" "Yes honey." "What is it?" "It's the date of our anniversary." Bltch.

   A true friend will bring you fresh underwear and shorts after you've accidentally sh*t yourself and not tell anyone. On an unrelated note, is anyone near El Amigo not doing anything?

   My life's one long beer commercial.

   I completely admire your talent of sitting on it and talking out of it at the same time...

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   I just want to live in a world where Chicken Pot Pies don't take 45 damn minutes to bake. Scientists, drop what you're doing.

   I have so much sand in my ass from the beach I have already made four little fartcastles on the floor.

   This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once every 823 years.