Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Why do people feel comfortable texting you things they would never have the guts to say to your face?

   If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

   Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

   Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

   "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.

   I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

   Don't tell me I'm insulting your intelligence when it's obvious you have none

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   You would think that by now those dumbass sickos that get busted on Dateline NBC's show To Catch a Predator would just haul ass as soon as they saw the clothes basket.

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.

   Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

   I just tenderized the pork... now to put my pants back on and go start dinner.

   If I become president, I will put weight restrictions on skinny jeans and short shorts. Vote Me 2012!!!

   "Oh well... screw it!" - What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that's trying to kill them.

   one male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up and one friend secretly hoping it ends.

   They say getting over someone is directly proportional to how much they meant to you. That was the hardest 15 minutes of my life.