Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Why do people feel comfortable texting you things they would never have the guts to say to your face?

   Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

   Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

   If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

   When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   You would think that by now those dumbass sickos that get busted on Dateline NBC's show To Catch a Predator would just haul ass as soon as they saw the clothes basket.

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   Don't tell me I'm insulting your intelligence when it's obvious you have none

   "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.

   I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

   Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

   I just tenderized the pork... now to put my pants back on and go start dinner.

   If I become president, I will put weight restrictions on skinny jeans and short shorts. Vote Me 2012!!!

   "Oh well... screw it!" - What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.

   Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

   A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

   I'm doing what I've always done... Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.