Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You should always f*ck like all your exes are watching.

   We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson.

   And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the world round .........

   You think you know someone, but what you really know is only what they choose to show you.

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”

   I bet the hardest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you.

   accidentally swallowed some food colouring yesterday. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

   I don’t understand why some people are SO obsessed about having friends…. Last time I checked caskets didn’t come with bunk beds…. f*ck em.

   "I'm extremely popular on Facebook" - Guy sitting alone at the bar

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.

   Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."

   Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.

   Sending us to the couch is not as bad as you think it is ladies. It makes us feel manly... like we're camping... with an angry bear nearby.

   If I ever swallow something potentially life-threatening and I need to induce vomiting, I hope you're around to make it easier.

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you've either done something very right or something very wrong.

   This 'places' thing still scares me a little. It's like saying, "Hey stranger, come find me, look I made it really easy for you."

   Nothing says to a robber, "I have brand new never before opened electronics piled up in my living room." Like a Christmas tree.

   Dear 3rd stall over, flushing the toilet does not disguise explosive diarrhea. Thought you should know.