Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Don’t you hate it when you type in your username and password without looking at the screen, then after you press enter, you realize the cursor is not even on the login screen?

   The thing about social media is that you can pretend you've gone to bed by not replying but really you're just sitting there the whole time.

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

   I hope someone gets a pic of Lil Wayne on his way out high-fiving T.I. on his way in.

   Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

   Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.

   I took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   Pot is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.

   One of my biggest fears is that some yahoo will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops who will inevitably find my torture chamber, stash of plutonium and action figure collection.

   Snookie should have named her son Oscar because he spent 9 months living in a garbage can.

   I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van.

   My day is not complete until I get someone to shake their head.

   Someone prank call me, I'm bored.

   Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork

   Wife: If I become fat and ugly will you leave me? Husband starts laughing. Wife: WHAT?! Husband: I'm still here ain't I?

   wonders... do subliminal (send) messages (me) really (money) work?

   I shouldn't have to watch out for kids at play. They should have to watch out for my car. What other responsibilities do they have?

   FYI: If you are ahead of me in the checkout line and you tell me that you are sorry but you will be right back because you forgot something I bet you won't be back faster than I can't rub your apples under my arm pits and fart on your french bread.

   The 3 C's of life; Choice, Chance, Change. You must make the Choice to take the Chance if you want anything to Change.

   I've met some real pricks in my time but you my friend are the cactus.