Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show.

   If I gave a sh*t, you'd be the 1st person I'd give it to.

   Friend: "What should be engraved on the inside of my husband-to-be's wedding ring? I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me." Me:"PUT IT BACK ON!"

   There’s nothing more annoying than having a song stuck in your head that you don’t know all the words to.

   You send me endless invites to play games here on Facebook but didn't send me an invite to your party...

   Tu pac's of Eminems are 50 cents, That's Ludacris! I want my Nickelback.

   disappointed that no matter how many times he bangs his head, he doesn't see any cartoon birds.

   I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some good taste!

   If you're lucky enough to still have a dad the best Father's Day gift would be to call the guy and ask his advice about something. Anything.

   I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the 'Downward Dog' on top of another person.

   I was counting sheep but those little b@stards started talking to me and now I REALLY can't sleep. Plus, I'm high.

   I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don't like to swallow...

   Why is it called "raw sewage?" Does that mean that someone, somewhere, is cooking the sh!t?

   Whenever my girlfriend is mad at one of our friends, she deletes them from FB but makes sure I stay friends so she can see what they're saying.

   I would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

   The thing about social media is that you can pretend you've gone to bed by not replying but really you're just sitting there the whole time.

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.