Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   Of course absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because thats when you forget what an annoying little bltch they can be.

   I have come to the conclusion that Facebook needs to add an option called "People You Don't Want To Know"

   I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

   You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!

   I farted today and totaled the Smart Car I was standing next to.

   I love seeing the Australian news cause it's like they're from the future.

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   No I did not watch the Royal wedding! What's the big deal? Two things kept me from watching it. They're called tesicles.

   If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression!!!

   I hope the penalty for providing false information to law enforcement officers includes sterilization.

   ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   I wish relationship history was as easy to delete as browser history.

   How long does it take for this Smart Water to kick in? I have been slipping it in her drink for 2 weeks now and as best as I can tell nothing has changed.

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.

   It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

   Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie: What drugs are you on? We should share.

   I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.

   Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes out their mouth is sh!t.