Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Drunk walking home is much more fun than drunk driving home, and much less dangerous. For instance, if you knock over something driving home, you are screwed. If you knock over something while drunk walking home, everyone cheers.

   I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors

   Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways if you agree like my status.

   2011: same sh!t, different digits.

   Every person has a story to tell, which is why I avoid talking to most people.

   I'm starting to think that when people tell me "I can't believe you have a child!" they aren't referring to my youthful appearance.

   Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.

   The worst thing about calling in sick today is not being able to post last night's rage fest pictures until this weekend.

   Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

   I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that it will trick people into thinking we already talked.

   I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.

   I've been disappointed so many times, not giving a crap is almost a reflex

   The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

   Being real is like being a lady... if you have to tell people you are... you aren't.

   Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart looked more like a fight-to-the-death battle royal between pajama-wearing homeless people.

   You know you are in a bad part of town when you fear being robbed by the convenience store clerk...

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity...

   Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.