Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   Friends don't tag friends in hideous Facebook pictures.

   If people insist on acting like an idiot, I must insist on treating them like one.

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I'm overdrawn, I'm gonna tell them, "We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it."

   It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

   Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.

   I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!

   Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos.

   I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see, "May cause extreme sexiness."

   WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she's never around when I'm awake.

   I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't.