Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   You would think there would be at least one extraterrestrial in a Miss Universe contest.

   Wait, don't go. I can ruin it some more.

   What kind of psycho wears pants in their own home?

   The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.

   I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.

   Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...

   Every date is the first date if you get black out drunk every time.

   I sexually identify as please stop talking to me.

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   Thanks, Michael Douglas, for ruining the ONLY time I'm not worrying about cancer.

   If you're happy and you know it go away.

   I wonder how many people's phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"

   If it wasn't for sex, I would have quit being a grown-up a long time ago.

   Just watched a twerk video that made me wish I was Stevie Wonder.

   I bet Canadian cops play good cop better cop.

   I didn't have any girl to spoil for Christmas this year so my bank balance is looking healthy.

   The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.

   Relationships these days are like birthdays; once the cake is eaten, the party's over!

   I was feeling tough and manly until I realized the spider was on the inside of the window.

   Whenever I see someone walking around with a selfie stick, I always wonder what happened for them to just give up on life like that.