GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I don't know who needs to hear this. But just because it is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it.

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular!

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while I'm in the store.

   Today's advice: sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

   So you unfollowed me on Facebook. You sure showed me.

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   People who worry about what kind of planet we're leaving for our kids might want to consider what kind of kids we're leaving for our planet.

   My body knows how old I am, but my mind refuses to believe it.

   I'm going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. I should be back home later tonight.

   Stop trying to please people who don't like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they've ever met.

   Whoever came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   I've just been for a job interview and the boss said, "Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.41. When do you want to start?" I said, "In 6 months!"