GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular!

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while I'm in the store.

   So you unfollowed me on Facebook. You sure showed me.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   I'm going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. I should be back home later tonight.

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   Stop trying to please people who don't like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they've ever met.

   People who worry about what kind of planet we're leaving for our kids might want to consider what kind of kids we're leaving for our planet.

   I've just been for a job interview and the boss said, "Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.41. When do you want to start?" I said, "In 6 months!"

   My body knows how old I am, but my mind refuses to believe it.

   Whoever came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

   I need a scary movie that's gonna make me paranoid for the rest of my life.

   Things I hate: Gross pay - $2,257. Net pay - $1,138.

   What do I do all day long? Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.