BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   I've never sky dived before, but I have zoomed in REAL FAST on Google Earth!!

   "Jesus loves you." It's so nice to hear that said to oneself in church!! ... "Jesus loves you." A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison!!

   CRAP!!! I just dropped my Android, are you guys alright?

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance, now it's a class C Felony

   No one will ever love you as much as your dog loves your stinky feet

   I wish I was as carefree as my Step Son's, picking their noses and then tapping away on MY keyboard!!!!

   A good woman knows her limits...... A wise woman knows she has none."

   Before the Internet I could just move to a new state and start my high school women's gymnastics coaching career all over again.

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in a pile in front of my smartphone.

   Wanted to 69 with a hottie in Canada, but I couldn't figure it out with the exchange rate and metric system. So instead I've been jerking off while yelling "USA, USA!!" in the business district in Montreal instead.

   My cat just jumped down from on top of the counter onto my laptop on the desk, opening David Bowie "Heroes" on iTunes. And now he's the coolest person I know.

   I seen a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Stepdad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   The Surgeon General has declared that cigarettes can harm your children....... Fair enough. I'll start using an ashtray!

   Living in Oklahoma I get a lot of dumb questions like "Where's the Buffalo?" & "why do I have to show you my bo0bies for directions to the buffalo?"

   WOOOO HOOOOO!! The idiots down at the dog park just let me have all this dog s hit FOR FREE!

   Anybody else wonder why Noah didn't swat the two mosquitoes?

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning

   Re: "there are only 380 million Americans" .....yes there are.... And we still RULE THE WORLD!!!

   Stages of Status Updating: 1. Whatever. 2. Good for waiting rooms. 3. Pulled over at the side of the road so you don't forget a great status update.

   If you can't handle me on Facebook then you definitely don't deserve me at my best! Wait...this is my best!!! Guys, please love me.