Funny Status Messages

   Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?

   I need advice…. Never mind, I already did the stupid thing.

   It’s 4/19 - don’t forget to put milk and cookies out for Willie Nelson tonight.

   Planning an exotic vacation with $12.50 in the bank.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you’re actually a few million years late. The star is dead, just like your dreams.

   Hey girl, are you a ketchup bottle? Because I’m gonna flip you over, hit it from the back and make you squirt.

   I like to make people who hate me, hate me even more.

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   All of us: Ministry of “truth”, inflation, supreme court leak, border crisis, war. Mainstream Media: “Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard.”

   Then the son asked his dad, “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”

   Woman makes misconduct claim against Elon Musk, like clockwork.

   Land-o-lakes ~ they got rid of the Indian and kept the land.

   If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   Rectal Grease complained to HR and now we’re not allowed to use nicknames at work anymore.

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.