Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon 90 percent of being married is shouting, "WHAT" from other rooms.
←Rate | 01-30-2020 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'
←Rate | 01-30-2020 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I asked the lead singer of Hall & Oates to name one of his favorite bands. He said, "KISS is on my list."
←Rate | 01-30-2020 06:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk.
←Rate | 01-30-2020 06:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dilemma: Watching your mother inlaw driving towards a cliff in your brand new car.
←Rate | 01-29-2020 20:38 by STARMAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today January 68th or is it the 69th...
←Rate | 01-29-2020 14:56 by Wolf Comments (0)  

   messageicon How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.
←Rate | 01-29-2020 14:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.
←Rate | 01-29-2020 14:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon McDonalds …closing thigh gaps since 1967.
←Rate | 01-29-2020 13:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ¡ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ
←Rate | 01-29-2020 10:43 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve never had a Popeyes chicken sandwich, but I do enjoyed a little Olive Oyl!
←Rate | 01-28-2020 20:57 by Ira Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
←Rate | 01-28-2020 14:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Darn, I missed the Grammy awards show again, which makes like 10 years in a row now.
←Rate | 01-28-2020 08:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
←Rate | 01-28-2020 06:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple's Facebook account.
←Rate | 01-28-2020 06:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.
←Rate | 01-28-2020 06:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
←Rate | 01-28-2020 06:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door. -Me, at KFC
←Rate | 01-28-2020 06:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
←Rate | 01-28-2020 06:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember: when you kiss someone's elbow, you're also kissing the gut of every person they've ever elbowed.
←Rate | 01-28-2020 06:14 Comments (0)  

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