Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 10 minutes.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 13:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're over 50 and are whining that the bars are closed, you really should contact your doctor and get a brain scan.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 11:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well the pandemic unemployment is coming to an end here shortly so guess it’s time to get back to work, all these companies are all after me so shouldn’t be hard - electric company, fuel company, telephone company
←Rate | 07-20-2020 11:03 by Smeebert Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I had a choice between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea, I wouldn't want a garbanzo bean on my face.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 11:02 by Prez Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 10:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".
←Rate | 07-20-2020 10:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?” -Inventor of grapefruit
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:30 Comments (0)  

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