Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I got an email from Google Earth saying it can read maps backwards, but then I thought... That's just spam.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 11:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think maybe I will open a gym for fat English people and call it Downton Flabby.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 10:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 10:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A three-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw!"
←Rate | 08-01-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When she told you it was her first time, but then she hit you with the vacuum seal, double hand twist, gawk, gawk combo 3000.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 09:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 09:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?
←Rate | 08-01-2018 06:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My heckling of Jeopardy contestants has become too aggressive.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m suffering complications following my birth
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:46 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A fifth of Jack will make any girl look sexy.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:39 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just added Fabrizio Brambilla as one of my friends...According to all the messenger posts I received he is a bad dude..I felt sorry for him and felt he needed a friend
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:32 by JerryCarter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry I panicked and punched you when you invited me out for brunch.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Almond milk will now be known as white stuff from nuts."
←Rate | 08-01-2018 01:13 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you should be proud of yourself when the biggest accomplishment you ever made was spreading your legs for your sugar daddy.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 00:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."
←Rate | 07-31-2018 22:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!
←Rate | 07-31-2018 18:29 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon LOL! My neighbor swears she was anally probed by an alien last night...... BTW, Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?
←Rate | 07-31-2018 18:25 by BobbyT Comments (0)  

   messageicon Losing your wife can be difficult. I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.
←Rate | 07-31-2018 18:23 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pretty sure Crest just makes up siht wrong with our teeth to sell more of their crap.
←Rate | 07-31-2018 16:17 Comments (0)  

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