Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon To 16:58 commet, you're right. Teacher: "How much is a gram?" Tyronne: "It denpends on what you want."
←Rate | 10-26-2018 17:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.
←Rate | 10-26-2018 15:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.
←Rate | 10-26-2018 12:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.
←Rate | 10-26-2018 10:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm very happy that I'm not a vegan, that would have been a big miss steak
←Rate | 10-25-2018 17:35 by I'mnotHillary Comments (0)  

   messageicon My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?
←Rate | 10-24-2018 18:35 by Luka Comments (1)  

   messageicon I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?
←Rate | 10-24-2018 16:02 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s so funny to wake up each day and see ppl in their 20s, 30s,40s, acting like two year olds. Go back to your safe place because there’s 6 more years to go
←Rate | 10-24-2018 15:54 by I❤️Trump Comments (4)  

   messageicon You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 14:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a further south than South America?
←Rate | 10-24-2018 11:50 Comments (4)  

   messageicon What I learned in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 08:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One thing to say to the 93 year old lady who won the lottery, "Hey, How ya doin?"
←Rate | 10-24-2018 08:52 by laugh Comments (0)  

   messageicon Start each day with a smile and get it over with.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 07:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?
←Rate | 10-24-2018 06:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.
←Rate | 10-23-2018 19:42 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you try to heat a tortilla on the stove and let pieces get stuck on the coils your parents failed you
←Rate | 10-23-2018 10:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please don't give me any of your attitude. I already have plenty of my own.
←Rate | 10-23-2018 10:09 Comments (0)  

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