Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Staying alone is cool and all but the only problem is that it's always your turn to do the dishes.
←Rate | 01-31-2019 13:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After much consideration I've decided not to host the Grammys this year.
←Rate | 01-31-2019 10:21 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason that a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup make such a great combination is because they the same basic ingredients as pizza.
←Rate | 01-31-2019 09:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder whatever happened to Rick Astley? He said he was never going give us up but he seems to have let us down. I'm hurt.
←Rate | 01-31-2019 09:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Popeyes finally added a drink to their $5 meal. Somebody up in corporate finally choked on a biscuit.
←Rate | 01-31-2019 04:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!
←Rate | 01-31-2019 02:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants
←Rate | 01-30-2019 20:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?
←Rate | 01-30-2019 18:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got pulled over again. The cop said "I'm going to need to see your license and registration." I said "You guys seriously need to get a grip. One day you take my license and the next day you ask to see it."
←Rate | 01-30-2019 07:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Having sex for money makes you a hoe. Having sex for free makes you a non-profit whoreganization.
←Rate | 01-30-2019 07:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm getting nothing for my wall..... Congress keeps telling me no..... I'm getting nothing for my wall..... So congress, you can go to hell.
←Rate | 01-30-2019 02:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hope you blokes are enjoying the extreamly cold weather. God knows you people deserve it.
←Rate | 01-29-2019 23:43 by UKguy Comments (1)  

   messageicon Trere is a new line added to this years tax form that reads, Would you like $3 of your federal tax go to buying us a sandwich?
←Rate | 01-29-2019 22:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon someone from Egypt sent me an e-mail asking me to wire them money. I think it was a pyramid scheme
←Rate | 01-29-2019 19:23 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon So cold my foot long shrunk to a 6”...I didn’t go to Subway today either.
←Rate | 01-29-2019 14:57 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon They're bringing back the federal government for a limited time, like it's the McRib.
←Rate | 01-29-2019 13:10 Comments (8)  

   messageicon I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now
←Rate | 01-29-2019 02:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Butter pecan ice cream taste like a senior citizen discount
←Rate | 01-28-2019 23:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a tree....I mean If didn't brag about my activities on Facebook did they really happen?
←Rate | 01-28-2019 20:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."
←Rate | 01-28-2019 18:20 by Joker Comments (0)  

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