Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dear Facebook, I'm fully capable of finding my phone friends so if you can do me a favor and stop suggesting them to me like my mother did when I was 5 years old that would be great. Thanks!
←Rate | 11-06-2019 01:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today Virginia and Kentucky. Next, the White House. Keep the faith.
←Rate | 11-05-2019 22:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How are turkeys ever awake with all of that tryptophan in them?
←Rate | 11-05-2019 14:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whelp, I'm not even out the door yet and I could already tell it's going to be another one of those days I'm not going to change the world and make it a better place for all mankind to live with my Facebook post.
←Rate | 11-05-2019 12:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fact: 98% of Jeep owners are guys named Jake, who wear shorts in the winter, and work at Starbucks.
←Rate | 11-05-2019 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "You can't teach a dog new tricks." - bad dog trainer
←Rate | 11-05-2019 11:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Better come up with some reason to get him out of office before the AG catches up with us!
←Rate | 11-05-2019 09:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I know she's talking about rain but I don't like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
←Rate | 11-05-2019 09:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's been a tough year for gluten farmers.
←Rate | 11-05-2019 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s Fashion Week in Pakistan. Turns out for the 800th year in a row, burqas are in.
←Rate | 11-05-2019 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone. Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
←Rate | 11-05-2019 07:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because I don’t know what i’m doing
←Rate | 11-05-2019 06:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
←Rate | 11-05-2019 06:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
←Rate | 11-05-2019 06:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
←Rate | 11-05-2019 06:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can't control.
←Rate | 11-05-2019 06:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never ask a woman Her age, a man His salary and 'The British museum' on how they got so many artifacts.
←Rate | 11-05-2019 03:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️
←Rate | 11-04-2019 23:46 by Chris Comments (0)  

   messageicon That black cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️
←Rate | 11-04-2019 23:46 by Chrisaball Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tried a Walmart pizza for the first time tonight and after biting into it I thought I accidentally cooked it with the cardboard they package them in, but it was just the pizza.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 20:58 Comments (0)  

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