@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   Breast Awareness month: we stare because we care.

   Apparently the drummer from Blur wants to be an MP. Yet another politician who wants to live in a house, a very big house in the country...

   My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.

   My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, “Will you propose to me?” - So I immediately popped the question.

   My mate said he sells drugs to fat people - I guess that sounds more macho than admitting he works at McDonald's.

   I went back to see my doctor today. I said, “I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.” “Where exactly did you apply it?” he asked. I said, “On the bus.”

   'One Direction's Zayn Malik vows to ditch the fags' - I didn't know he was planning on starting a solo career.

   BOP IT! TWIST IT! PULL IT! ..... And that's how I lost my pen1s.

   I'm sorry, but any man who says his Wedding Day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA 12.

   My mate just texted me saying, "I wanna read a book. what wud you recommend?" "The Oxford English Dictionary" I replied.

   Found my wife's vibrator the other day. Now I'm not saying it was big but I'm seriously thinking about entering it in Robot Wars.

   A man who saved a 10 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant. Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too.

   I got sacked as a bingo caller tonight. Apparently "a meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't the best way to announce the number 69....

   I imagine Fabio Capello has resigned to concentrate fully on his commitments as one of the Dolmio puppets.

   It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times.

   Just had my Valentine's day card off Moonpig... She hates it when I call her that.

   My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

   Success at age: 2- Not pissing your pants 12-13- Having friends 16-17-Having sex 20-35 Making money 40-50-Making money 60-65-Having sex 70-75- Having friends 80-100 Not pissing your pants

   Every Sunday is like an episode of CSI... I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did!

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a soberphobic.