Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   Almost choked to death on some broccoli but no way, I ain't going out like that.

   My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst... so I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

   Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

   Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

   Sitting here watching CNN & I like whats going in Egypt, let it be a lesson to other governments to never bite the hand that feeds you...

   I hate it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions.

   No matter what's happening there's always part of me that would rather be taking a nap. And drinking.

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.

   Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow

   I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.

   Fastest way to piss me off? Tell me to "settle down."

   My co-worker seems to think I need anger management classes... I don't know I think he just needs shut the f*ck up classes.

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are, right?

   At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." "OK with whom?" Whoever has lots of money.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   I think I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. My liver might have just started waving the white flag.

   Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

   Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

   When I die I want Charlie Sheen's life to flash before my eyes.