Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Why does the disclaimer narrater for prescription drugs always sound so happy about all the side effects?

   Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."

   If drunkness was a professional sport, I would probably be disqualified for steroids.

   wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.

   The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

   The left lane is for club members only. If you're not sure if you're in the club, move over.

   I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."

   If I don't share all this stuff about me now... it's gonna be really awkward when I show up at your house.

   Look you asked me to be your child's Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Heck I'm just afraid of that word.

   I figured out why I don't go out drinking much anymore... result being tagged in embarrassing photos on Facebook!

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   Dude... "Who else would put up with me?" is not a good compliment to give your girlfriend.

   I LOVE it when people are overly sarcastic. No, really, it's great! Thanks a bunch!

   Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn’t have said.

   I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

   Honey, do you remember those days when we first met and you'd wake up and leave for a few days? Those were some GOOD times huh.....right.......hello? What did I say now?

   I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and the he's outside chewing on a cardboard box.

   Often we fail to appreciate those closest to us... Soooo, go waaaaaaaay over there, I would appreciate it...