Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."

   If drunkness was a professional sport, I would probably be disqualified for steroids.

   Actually it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th.

   A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

   Why does the disclaimer narrater for prescription drugs always sound so happy about all the side effects?

   I figured out why I don't go out drinking much anymore... result being tagged in embarrassing photos on Facebook!

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   Dude... "Who else would put up with me?" is not a good compliment to give your girlfriend.

   I LOVE it when people are overly sarcastic. No, really, it's great! Thanks a bunch!

   If I don't share all this stuff about me now... it's gonna be really awkward when I show up at your house.

   Look you asked me to be your child's Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Heck I'm just afraid of that word.

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn’t have said.

   Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.

   The left lane is for club members only. If you're not sure if you're in the club, move over.

   I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."

   The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

   I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

   Honey, do you remember those days when we first met and you'd wake up and leave for a few days? Those were some GOOD times huh.....right.......hello? What did I say now?

   I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and the he's outside chewing on a cardboard box.