Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Siri is like an Ex. She was great once but now I'm repeating myself and she never listens to me, and by the end of the conversation I'm yelling.

   Ladies, Don't ever tell your man that you don't mind if he looks at other women. He'll remember that sh!t better than his social security number.

   My girlfriends sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier. I was was so pissed off. Though to be fair it was my own fault for leaving them on.

   What a day, I'm so tired already! I sent three faxes, answered the phone once, had lunch, made a paper airplane and sent 452 updates.

   By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer.

   Honestly, I would prefer to look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that!" Than instead of saying, "I wish I did that..."

   I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.

   I got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but the ba$tards talked me out of it.

   Daily Random 'F*ck You': To those people that get a puppy or kitten because they're so cute but then get rid of them when they grow into adult animals, F*CK YOU!

   Anytime a smart ass cop tells me to have a nice day after he writes me a ticket I respond with "and you try not to get shot today."

   I wonder what the person who discovered milk was doing with the cow...

   I wonder if children who stutter are the result of pregnant women using vibrators.

   Sometimes I regret bringing sexy back.

   Oh... you pay for Netflix and iTunes? I see you don't know how to really use the internet.

   A surprise threesome is a great way to show your girlfriend that you really do like her friends.

   WTF. I grabbed somebody sexy and told them "Hey, give me everything tonight!" They called the cops, Thanks a lot Pitbull.

   I'd like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.

   If a girl will go out in public with bed head, there's a lot of other stuff she will do. Marry her.

   Sex is like air... it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.