Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend asked me what I would do if she were to die. I told her I'd probably do 25 to life.

   Plan A: Marry hot girl Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook Plan C: Ramen Noodles.

   Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.

   It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.

   When they eventually find the center of the Universe, a lot of people will be surprised to find out it's NOT them...

   My plans for this weekend are so top secret even I don't know what they are.

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

   I can count to five in Spanish. Maybe Pitbull will let me be on his next album

   Hey, Facebook ticker, I don't need to know which Yahoo articles my friends have read. What's next, a detailed report of what everyone Googles in real time? No thank you!

   I want to live my life like a fly, pester as many people and get into as much sh!t as possible before I die.

   I've been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   30 Days Of Gratitude: Day 14: You're all welcome. (Am I doing it right?)

   If you laugh like this ----> bahaha, I assume you're part sheep. ;)

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.

   If you want to know whether a chick is a cvnt or not, just call her a c*nt. Nothing sets off a crazy cvnt like being called a cvnt.

   Next time you use the bathroom, take your pants off, hang them over the side of the stall and randomly shout out "RELEASE THE KRACKEN!" Let people know you mean business!

   Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just in case.

   Borrow your girlfriend's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the whole damn community will stop by to chat. True story. FML

   Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night.