Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."

   The A/C in my office isn't working and has now officially become an employee.

   So this girl at a coffee bar came up to me and said I was kinda cute. Kinda? Well, thanks, you sort of fat b!tch.

   Facebook Privacy Settings Tip: See where it says, "Automatically share my personal information with identity thieves, sex offenders and all my psycho exes? Yeah, you're gonna wanna unclick THAT box.

   I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...No I'm just kidding, it's her boobs.

   Some people message me and wonder why I've deleted them from my friends list. And I always respond "Even the trash gets taken out once week around here."

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile

   It definitely takes a lot of courage to stand up to your enemies but it takes a whole lot more to stand up to your friends...or to yourself.

   The liquor store. The dollar store. The court house. Top three places where you hope no one notices you.

   Ladies: If "snuggling" is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me...... He'll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle...

   Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.

   People say hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who "rested to death?"

   There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

   Download this software? Do you Agree? Are you sure? Well, the more times you ask me if I'm sure the less sure I am.

   All those years of saving and financial planning should get me through my retirement with relative ease. As long as the world ends on Dec. 21st.

   I'll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying. :)

   If you can read this please let me know because, it means I blocked the wrong person. I'm still getting used to this Stupid timeline!

   Anger is an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.