Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I like to wear Grocery store uniforms and tell homeless people that I'm there to repo the shopping cart.

   I don't believe in neither the Democratic party nor the Republican party. I just believe in parties.

   If I ever get a vasectomy, I'm going to ask the doctor if they can make it so that, everytime I ejaculate, a little flag pops out that say “BAM!”

   One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole day is a good day.

   For the last f*cking time, this is the first time I'm seeing this movie and we started watching it at the exact same moment. I don't know the answer to your question.

   "What's that!! An earthquake?" "YES!! RUN!!!" "OMG, WAIT" *runs to the computer and writes on Facebook* EARTHQUAAAAAAAKE!!!

   I think Words with Friends... should really be called... Scrabble with Cheaters!

   HA! If you think I'M crazy you should meet ME!

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

   I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I'd have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

   Folgers coffee ads are ALL WRONG! The best part of waking up is being able roll over and go back to sleep.

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.

   When a woman says “What?” It's not because didn't hear you, she's just giving you a chance to change what you said!

   Whenever I see a grown man on a bicycle, I can't help but think DUI.

   I think we all know, the first time he Tebows in New York, somebody will steal his wallet.

   My girlfriend's always helping me to keep fit. Every time she mentions marriage, I run a f*cking mile.

   Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

   I proposed my girl today. Apparently "Do you want to be the one who makes sandwiches for me for the rest of my life" isn't the way to do it.

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   My life has a superb cast... I just can't figure out the plot.