GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I just had a cop knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both as he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

   Around this time in 2020 we couldn't find toilet paper. Now we can't afford it.

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   Jim Morrison was right. People are strange.

   Guys, when a woman is angry, just tell her she is overreacting. She'll realize you're right and then she'll calm right down.

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.

   Everyone needs a friend who they shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.

   I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   I let a lot of stuff slide cause prison don't serve the food I like.

   Santa, you must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during deer season?

   I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47. I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

   The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.

   My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   Marriage tip: Let me teach you about dishes. When you come down to the kitchen and see a sink full of dishes, if you're the husband just ignore it! Just let them pile up higher and higher until your wife gets tired of seeing them and does them herself! ðŸ

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   My boss asked me to start off the meeting with a joke. So I passed around my pay stub.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".