BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   The easiest person to make fun of is me... But also that guy at Sam's Club who was stalking the corn dog samples. Oh wait....... Also me. Carry on

   Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight

   Parenting tip: If you beat one child with the other child you can tell the Cops that they were just fighting each other .......... You're welcome.

   Online dating creeps me out! I'll stick with good old-fashioned prison pen-pals.

   Alcohol only kills off the weakest of brain cells

   Nice try "St. Patrick's Day", but I don't need a reason to drink!!

   Kids: Never tell a stranger where you live. Give them your neighbor's address and watch what happens.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backwards. I think he inherited that trait from our Mom or Dad.

   Kidnapping? Such a harsh word. I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.

   Scientific fact: Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life. You're welcome all my future 120 yr old FB friends!!!

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a squirt gun fight. I'm just killing time updating my FB status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   Horseradish sauce is my favorite condiment named after mustang spooge.

   I've heard the song 'This Is How We Do It' like a million times, but it's still very unclear to me.

   Dear Diary: "I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot

   Apparently putting Alka Seltzers in my mouth while getting "born again" and pretending I'm possessed by the Devil is not so funny to "non drunk people".

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight.

   My semen glows in the dark. Should come in handy if I'm ever horny and also lost in a cave.

   One of these is not in my bed right now: 3/4 Empty 1 Liter Crown Royal Bottle... Online FB Friends... Lap Top... Cold Pizza... Vaseline Jar... Naked "Bridget the Midget" Blow Up Doll... Me... Self Respect

   Guys that are afraid of spiders, what color did you get your nails painted on Mother's Day?

   If "thought bubbles" appeared above my head every time I ran into a moron, I'd seriously be screwed.