@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   Today... I'm opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter... in my stomach.

   tuned in to watch the Grammys but didn't see hardly any grandmothers at all.

   there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?

   wishing that my computer would crash and erase all of the work I'm not doing this morning.

   alcohol may cause more deaths than AIDS, TB, and violence... but doesn't it make up for it with pregnancies?i

   take me drunk, I'm home!

   Sadly, "kangaroo on a trampoline" returned zero Youtube results.

   M.C. Hammer should be a security guard at an art museum.

   I bet hell is full of morning people and obsessive compulsive Facebook pokers.

   thinks Twitter spoils us... if only we could limit people in real life to 140 characters or less.

   If you need help in a hurry at Best Buy... just begin shoving a CD in your pants.

   doesn't think drinking will solve your problems... but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   And then it hit me... For years we have had the "#2", "drop a deuce", "talk to a man about a dog" and "drop the kids off at the pool"... Now I proudly introduce... "Hey guys, brb... I gotta go bury a Bin Laden."

   met a girl last nite that charged by the inch... I didn't have enough money but I figured she'd be a good deal for you.

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea... if you add commas.

   "I'm in!" - Flynn

   I can text my bank and they will text me back my balance... I could do without the LOL at the end of it though.

   Hey, hustler on the corner... you know what drug I would buy from you? Claritin-D 24... but you never have any.

   There comes a point in every unicyclist's life when he sees a bicycle and says, "Jesus, they make them with 2 wheels now. I've been a fool."

   "We Built This City on Slave Labor and Freemason Secrets" - Thomas Jefferson Starship.