Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class

   My diet can be best described as carb loading for a marathon I'll never run.

   Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.

   I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

   Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

   Women just don't get it, That men just don't get it.

   We used to watch the news to find out the truth. If you're looking for the truth now, the last thing you'd want to watch is the news.

   Hell nah I’m not clicking on page two of any article online. It’s online. Your stupid story should fit one webpage however long it is.

   If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.

   Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don't have long to live.

   I'm clingy, but not " Simon Cowell's t-shirt" clingy.

   Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

   Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.

   We've never met or spoken in person, so why should I be offended by your worthless opinion internet stranger?

   Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.

   I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.

   The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.

   You don't have to believe in a book to be a nice person and treat people right.

   Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

   You would think there would be at least one extraterrestrial in a Miss Universe contest.