Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.
←Rate | 07-09-2018 04:40 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon When the smoke detector sounds, I know the dinner my girlfriend is cooking is ready.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 22:48 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
←Rate | 07-08-2018 22:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 22:34 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."
←Rate | 07-08-2018 21:11 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 21:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 21:00 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looks like those tariffs will finish off the family dairy farm once and for all. Too much winning!
←Rate | 07-08-2018 20:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder, what would Trump do without FOX News?
←Rate | 07-08-2018 16:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?
←Rate | 07-08-2018 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon West Virginia is just Virginia's white suburb...
←Rate | 07-08-2018 14:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 13:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my boss: you're fired [pauses porn] why
←Rate | 07-08-2018 10:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “I have a taser in my purse” - me flirting
←Rate | 07-08-2018 10:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?
←Rate | 07-08-2018 10:11 Comments (9)  

   messageicon If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 09:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 09:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 09:47 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 04:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

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