Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Shouldn't old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Go down a water slide while it isn't wet and you'll understand why foreplay is so important.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it gluttonous for nuns to get the refillable large popcorn and drink at the cinema?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:37 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Cereal is the sweatpants of food.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife left me with my 6 year old and my 3 year old... and as if that's not bad enough, she left the 6 year old in charge.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not to brag or anything, but I don't need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To the NBA post: what are you, stupid? NBA players criticized those communist countries all the time. What the hell is wrong with you?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jesus said, the truth shall set you free. Please don't disrespect Jesus, tell the truth about how you really hate Obama because he's black.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Funny how the NBA players and coaches are quick to criticize the Prez but won't say anything negative about a Communist country that imprisons those who speak out...
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every time you yawn in October a ghost put his package in your mouth...
←Rate | 10-15-2019 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Calls the DMV* Hi yes I've lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks
←Rate | 10-15-2019 08:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever catch my kid vaping, I'm going to make him eat an entire fedora.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 08:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm reading a horror book written in Braille. Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 07:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell. One day, he's going to make an excellent mobster.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I don't know what else to say..." Me, giving my husband false hope
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:14 Comments (0)  

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