Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare — which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 10:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Judging by the way I just reacted to not being able to find the TV remote, I’m not the type of person you’d want around in a crisis
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven't had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wife: I wish you were more romantic me *starts biting the chicken nugget I'm eating into the shape of a heart*
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don't care about taking off my shoes at the airport
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour's BBQ.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please respect my toddler’s need for comfort during this difficult time. Her bath is too wet.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 07:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 07:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean] Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
←Rate | 12-05-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Best Movie Line Ever: "Step forward, Tin Man! You dare come before me, you clanking, clattering, cantankerous collection of collagenous crap?!!"
←Rate | 12-04-2019 23:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
←Rate | 12-04-2019 12:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some good tax news for you Michigan trolls. The IRS announced today that you can write off your Michigan Wolverine football season tickets as a total loss.
←Rate | 12-04-2019 10:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's up with that song "Up on the housetop, reindeer paws"? Somebody wasn't paying attention in biology class...
←Rate | 12-04-2019 09:08 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Alexa chk my bank balance n tell wich Apple product I can afford..Alexa:Apple juice
←Rate | 12-04-2019 08:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't judge me on the choices I have made when you don't know the options I had to choose from.
←Rate | 12-04-2019 07:49 Comments (0)  

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