minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   It's a thankless job, but apparently I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

   I would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents.

   I was thinking about adoption to fill the void in my life, if only I could find someone willing to adopt me..

   The stupid Facebook Timeline is completely ruining the whole "Drink Till You Forget" concept. Now I have a drinking problem AND get to remember everything.

   When filling out a resume, is "Facebook friends" capitalized? Asking for a friend....

   I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?

   No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything.

   Having sex is like vacuuming; It should be loud enough to scare your pets, involve a whole lot of sucking, and it's best if you do it often in every room of the house.

   The snippy little nurse told me to piss in a cup. So I told her to go fart in a jar. And the fight was on.

   If anything ever happens to me, this family is in trouble. Apparently I'm the only one around here who has the recipe for ice cubes and knows where the dishwasher is located. The remote control is safe, though.

   Nik Wallenda just walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net. I made banana pudding whilst three sheets to the wind and didn't burn the kitchen down. Your move, Nik.

   What's this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?

   Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

   The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. Just great. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.

   I’m on to you mister..... there were no pearls and that was NOT a necklace.

   Text from hubby: Wanna go to Lowe’s and get a new toilet seat tonight? Me: Hell yeah! In your face single people. IN. YOUR. FACE.

   Twinkies are like Val Kilmer, bloated, saturated in fat, and no one’s had them in their mouth since the 80's.

   Whatever you do - when a policeman comes to your door with his handcuffs out and asks for you, do not try to put a dollar bill in his belt using your teeth. .....do not ask me how I know that.

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

   Can't the gov't just call in Jon Taffer and do this shutdown thing right?