StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper...

   Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know you're high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; At least you're not the guy, at Instagram, that has to search for and delete all the d!ck pics.

   Bud light? No thanks. I'd rather light bud.

   What's longer than most relationships these days? This status.

   Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don't roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya yaya mocha choca latte ya ya

   The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   Truth hurts...but not as much as getting fingered by Edward Scissorhands

   Hey McDonalds, may I have some Coke with my ice?!

   My boss; Are you Tweeting? Me; No, I'm Tworking Boss; What? Me; Hello Tweeting while working Boss; That's not a real word Me; Twhatever

   Why are they called One Direction? Looks to me like they go both ways.

   Just bought a Hyundai but it's sonota big deal.

   Febreeze should make underwear.

   I do not have a drinking problem... people without arms have a drinking problem.

   I hate it when kids think I don't care about whatever the hell they were just talking about.

   I remember one time when I was high... I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that sh!t.

   I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.

   That "speaking to another human being" feature on my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.