@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   I went back to see my doctor today. I said, “I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.” “Where exactly did you apply it?” he asked. I said, “On the bus.”

   My girlfriend called me sad because I always plan things months in advance. That's her off my Christmas card list!

   always right and never wrong. The only time I thought I was wrong was when I thought I was wrong but I wasn't - I was right!!

   I just had an email saying "You may be entitled to £3750 for that accident you had." It must have been pretty bad, I can't even remember it happening.

   Female driving instructors... The equivalent of a blind person teaching kids to read.

   I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert. "Pen1s Enlargement - 80% off". That doesn't sound like an enlargement to me!

   When my wife caught me using a pen1s enlargement cream, she laughed. I told her, "There's no need to rub it in."

   The Co-op ran of out of milk again because of the bad weather. Thankfully Doreen, my 92 yr old neighbour, has loads of it piled up at her front door.

   If you were naked in bed, laying between Cheryl Cole and Alan Carr, which one would you face and which one would you turn your back to?

   BOP IT! TWIST IT! PULL IT! ..... And that's how I lost my pen1s.

   A cancer patient only has one wish, to get better. I know that 97% of you won't post this as your status, but my friends will be the 3% that do. In honour of someone who died, or is fighting cancer please post this for at least one hour.

   I'm sorry, but any man who says his Wedding Day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA 12.

   Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together", said Fabrice.

   The Sun... Woman dies after having special resin injected into buttocks... Gavin from Autoglass has gone too far this time!

   Wales.... the only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent shag... all from the same animal!

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer today.

   My wife was in the passenger seat looking at a map before she asked me what was the quickest way to get to the hospital. "Swap seats" I replied.

   giving a warning to America.... Wayne Rooney.

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   I think the NHS cutbacks have gone too far... I didn't even get a f-kin sticker at the dentist today.