Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I love it when the person's laugh is funnier than the actual joke.

   I like to lay down after sex, stroking her hair and whispering into her ear. "Why are you still here?"

   Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

   "That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - Women

   Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

   I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."

   Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

   When I grow up I want to be a kid.

   Sorry, I'm not yawning because what you're saying is "boring." I'm merely stretching my mouth before I excercise it when I say "SHUT THE F*** UP!"

   There are places in the heart you can only find when the right person comes along.

   I wish that some people wouldn't talk to me in the morning until I've had my coffee. (I don't drink coffee).

   I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked.

   This Planking epidemic is getting way out of hand my neighbor the old lady next door been laying outside for 2 days now.

   Dear politicians, you're dumb enough as is, so I'd highly recommend you stay away from social media.

   You know that chemical that gets released in our bodies after sex that makes us think we like someone, hey science can you get rid of that?

   If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

   I've got some Spring in my step for an energetic foot up your ass! ~ Happy First Day of Spring!

   I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important... like being awesome.

   The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying ba$stards.

   If you don't carry around empty Dunkin' Donut gift cards to give to cops to get out of tickets, you guys aren't trying hard enough.