Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Every day of my life is like an episode of LOST, something crazy always happens and I never have any idea what's going on.

   If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

   If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest.

   I don't think Cough drops have an expiration date but at some point you have to start eating them with the wrapper still on.

   Just unlocked level 315 on not giving a f*ck.

   Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I just saw a woman in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, she looked like Boss Hogg.

   Friends are like shoes. We look for good-looking ones, but at the end, we choose the ones we feel comfortable with.

   People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   You said "CALL ME!", but you didn't hold your pinky and thumb out and put it next to your ear, so I didn't take you seriously.

   I wore a leather jacket and a lady said a cow was murdered for that... I said so you were a witness now I have to kill you too.

   I see a nice candle lit dinner for 2 and she sees an opportunity to b!tch about me not paying the power bill... Not a romantic bone in her body :(

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad."

   Women may be the only thing that are easier to pick up as they get heavier.

   I'm beginning to suspect the only reason I'm not hungover is because I'm still drunk.

   NOTICE: Helen Waite is now in charge of my complaint department. SO if you have any complaints - please go to Helen Waite.

   Maybe I should be Tony Romo for Halloween so kids can intercept candy that I pass out.

   LIKE IF: You sat down to check Facebook real quick and...an hour later, you're still here.