Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I wouldn't say she was fat but she has to wear a G-rope.

   Hey, this Facebook thingy is WAY more fun than talking to each other!

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

   Some things time cannot erase. That's why alcohol exists.

   My internet is so slow, it would be faster to just drive to Google's headquarters and ask them this sh!t in person.

   dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there.

   To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really b!tchy when I dropped my son off.

   You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   it "for f*cks sake" or "for f*ck sake"? It's for work, so I want to make sure this e-mail is professional...

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is..." I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that.

   When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a guy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two.

   This bill collector called my house for the last time today. I told him just like it is... You call my house 1 more time and I'm taking your name out the hat. I put everybody's name in a hat, at the end of the week I draw a name and that's the one I pay.

   Some of the best memories leave a stain.

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets.

   If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

   You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ...........That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.

   My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH!

   I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.