Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...

   Haven't gotten ONE response to my hospital job applications!! Can someone make sure my email address works: merciful_angel_of_death82@yahoodotcom

   used Tag bodywash this morning and was looking forward to a goodtime before work. Unfortunately, no girls busted through walls or outran cheetahs to ravage me, dammit.

   Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."

   I'm bad kinda in sentences at words order the right putting in.

   My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.

   I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious.

   If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.

   Sexy Mode [ON] OFF

   I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night........ but I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand.

   Symptoms may include insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, nausea, stroke or heart attack. (shrugs) At least my headache is gone.

   Any one can stay true to your face, it's the people who stay true behind your back that really count.

   If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

   I don't like that Google's Instant Search counts every letter I type as a new search, mostly because I searched for "criminal analysis" and now Google has a record of me searching for "criminal anal."

   It's like my Fantasy Football players aren't listening to a single word of the speech I gave to my TV.

   If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."

   My dad told me that if I didn't change my ways that I was going to wake up dead some day. Cool! I'm gonna be a zombie.

   I should do my own TV series........... Man vs Drink

   A realtor called asking if I'm interested in selling my house. I'm interested in my neighbour selling his so I booked him an appointment.

   Just seen a April Fools jokes saying, "Justin Bieber found dead in a hotel room." You should never joke about death of a little girl.