Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   If the replies you get from text messages consist of only one word, take the hint.

   This morning I had to stare death directly in the eyes! Well, it was my ex, but she looks dead and it was still scary.

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!

   I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   Making up fake resumes for my coworkers and submitting them for sh!tty jobs.

   This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it's an educated one.

   Hey person that always has to make a comment that ruins my status, f*ck off! You're just jealous that I came up with a better status than you.

   Relationships are like farts... If you push too hard, things could get messy!

   If it's your birthday this month, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.

   Ladies, that "gangsta" face you make in your Facebook pictures isn't cute. You look like you're trying to smell your upper lip.

   Nice guys let her finish first, twice.

   I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.

   Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "Use By" date?

   Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.

   At the beginning of any relationship, every girl treats her boyfriend as "GOD." ... 'Later on somehow the alphabets get reversed!!!

   One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   There was a therapist on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called "not getting your ass beat."

   I'm so gangsta, I don't even report to Microsoft when Firefox unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches B*tches!