Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!

   If the replies you get from text messages consist of only one word, take the hint.

   When someone says "You're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best.

   If you never whined and begged your mom for a quarter to put in the trinket machine in the front of the grocery store and then ended up chasing a bouncy ball down isle 9 and knocking over a pyramid of potted meat then your childhood probably sucked.

   I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.

   This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it's an educated one.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   Making up fake resumes for my coworkers and submitting them for sh!tty jobs.

   Hey person that always has to make a comment that ruins my status, f*ck off! You're just jealous that I came up with a better status than you.

   Relationships are like farts... If you push too hard, things could get messy!

   If it's your birthday this month, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.

   Ladies, that "gangsta" face you make in your Facebook pictures isn't cute. You look like you're trying to smell your upper lip.

   Nice guys let her finish first, twice.

   Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.

   Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "Use By" date?

   I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.

   At the beginning of any relationship, every girl treats her boyfriend as "GOD." ... 'Later on somehow the alphabets get reversed!!!

   One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   There was a therapist on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called "not getting your ass beat."

   I'm so gangsta, I don't even report to Microsoft when Firefox unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches B*tches!