Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Sarcasm - honesty's drunk uncle.

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year.

   As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I'm gonna try to figure out why I'm so drunk.

   It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.

   Everybody deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow.

   My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

   The difference between making love and f*cking is the condition of the furniture afterward.

   You don't know how strong you are until you have no other option.

   Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."

   For men who think.."A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept.

   Scrw you recommended serving size. You don't know me.

   4 Steps to dealing with telemarketers: 1. Repeat yourself 3 times 2. Always respond in question form 3. Scream at random 4. Make no sense

   I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, "Bull$hit."

   I cut my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

   Come on down! You're the next contestant on STFU!

   Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

   This morning I had to stare death directly in the eyes! Well, it was my ex, but she looks dead and it was still scary.

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.