flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I won't take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.

   My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

   6 of those Extreme Coupon people could fix the entire US Budget.

   Just once when they interview a serial killer's neighbor I'd like to hear them say "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, I told people for years he was gonna do this"

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.

   Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say

   Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

   The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

   Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.

   The VMA's is the only day out of every year that MTV pretends to care about music.. Then its back to the pregnant teens, jersey people in italy, and sweet 16 birthday parties

   I'm still waiting for my chance to shout "UNHAND me you fools!!" as security escorts me off the premises.

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.

   "What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)

   I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time.

   It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it's strapped to the top of someone's car.