SULLY Funny Status Messages

   SAFETY REMINDER: If you encounter an NFL Running Back this weekend, Keep your distance and do NOT approach them....

   Damn it!! I wish I had some fireworks for the government shutdown tonight.....

   In honor of Michael Phelps 4th place finish, I'm firing up the bong.......

   Don't blame Congressman Weiner. He was hacked by his evil twin Oscar Meyer.....

   I'd never miss my imaginary girlfriend's funeral. Just saying....

   Can someone ask Al Gore how early Biden should show up at the VP debate? The altitude is 984 feet....I'm concerned

   They say drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette takes 6 minutes off your life. By my calculations I died in 1985...... Cheers!!

   I've a bottle of Champagne chilling for election night. If Romney wins I'll drink a glass. If Obama wins I'll drink the whole thing then start on whiskey....

   FYI - All backpacks are suspicious. Carry your $hit in your hands...

   FYI - If any kids are interested in harassing me on a school bus, or anywhere else for that matter..... I am available. I could use a nice $500,000 long vacation. I'm just saying

   If I win Power Ball tonight....I'll spend the rest of my life in my whitie tighties judging people on the internet. So basically same thing just $550 million richer.

   Just turned on my TV to discover Joe Biden's teeth are now burned into the screen......

   If global warming gets any worse we're all going to freeze to death!

   Watching hurricane reporter standing in the surf. The weirdness in me is waiting for a shark to get him. Sorry.......

   I think Weiner's next press conference should be in a Brett Favre jersey....

   Wow. The people of Egypt are really going nuts over this Zimmerman trial..

   Working on my hurricane prep list. Heineken's, Cigarette's, Red Cross phone number. All done!

   Holly sh*t!! Thankfully I did not invest in the stock market. I took the $2.47 I made last week and invested it all in candy.........

   And the Oscar goes to Cheek implants and Botox...

   Forget the Mayans, if Twinkies makers don't return to work by 5 pm, the world ends today.