Mickey Funny Status Messages

   Oh, to have you next to me in the morning. Your soothing warmth, your intensity, your comfort. I need to get a Mr. Coffee for my nightstand.

   What bothers me most about liberal women, is that none of them are hot enough to be this stupid.

   The temps here (Orlando, FL) were in the low 30s three days ago. Today, the highs are supposed to hit the mid 80s. At exactly what point in time was Mother Nature replaced by The Three Stooges?

   It's 39 degrees, which tells me one thing. That effin' Groundhog knows more about the weather than those clowns on TV.

   When I was in the 10th grade I was taught $ex-ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.

   You can take the "trash" out of the trailer, but you can't take the "trailer" out of the trash.

   Hellooooo....It's 2012.....Where's my flying car already?....Helloooooo.....

   Facebook allows me to reconnect with my old musician friends. I'm surprised at how many of them wound up living the American dream. They married women with steady incomes.

   I just watched Godzilla backwards. It's like, it's about this dinosaur who insanely pieces a city back together, then moonwalks into the ocean.

   I told my hillbilly neighbor over and over, "You CAN'T go on someone's facebook page who lives in another country and type 'Dang foreigner!' in the comment box!"

   April Fools Day: Don't believe anyone or anything...like you should any other day.

   Olive Garden says: "When you're here you're family". I won't go there out of fear of a woman resembling my grandmother running out of the kitchen and throwing a shoe at my head.

   When the ATM printed out the receipt showing my account balance, I really don't think the LOL at the end was necessary.

   I'd be all for the Women's March protest if they added, "off a cliff" to the name of the event.

   My doctor asked for a stool, a urine, a blood, and a semen sample. I gave him my underwear.

   Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

   Wanna meet me at Taco Bell? The Day Without Illegal Migrants means we'll get plenty of sauce packets and napkins.

   If you're not my friend, click like then copy and paste this on your timeline. If we're truly friends, do nothing. I'd never insult your intelligence with such a ridiculous command.

   Hands don't make the music, the soul does.

   Ever notice that kids with Down Syndrome always seem to be so up? We could all take a lesson from them.