Michael Funny Status Messages

   The baby's name is Prince George. Great! Now what do you all say we stop talking about it until he grows up, puts on a Nazi costume, and gets naked in Vegas?

   So now that she's dead, we can start putting booze in her drink. Right?

   Eagles wide reciever Riley Cooper has been excused from all team activities so that he can go attend a cooking class with Paula Deen

   James Watson, the scientist that discovered the DNA double helix, believes that "stupidity" is a genetic condition that can be cured. So chin up, buttercup. There is hope for you yet!

   I always feel so bad for homeless people. So when I see one, I always stop and show them a really big "frowny face". That way they don't realize how much fun I'm having with all my money and stuff.

   "Awe crap" ~ The first thing that goes through your head when "Michael has commented on your status" pops up in your phones notification bar.

   Convicted Amy private Bradley Manning wants to live the rest of his life as a woman. At 5'2" and sporting that purdy little mouth, I doubt he's going to have a hard time being a woman while he's behind bars.

   Washington and Colorado legalize marijuana, Seattle and Denver advance to the Super Bowl. Coincidence? I think pot!

   8:30am and it already feels like the longest day of the year.

   Well... with the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage... I think its safe to say that a Bieber / Cyrus wedding is inevitable.

   "I'm sorry your pet died. Can I come over for breakfast tomorrow?" - The world if pigs replaced dogs.

   SPOILER ALERT!!! Trent Richardson's sex tape is acually a series of tapes which average less than 2.9 minutes. Trent never busts a long one and he often struggles to find the hole.

   Just changed my iTunes password to "password".... and now I just have to wait for all of my nudes to be leaked.

   Girls, if you don't look like a Victoria's Secret Angle, don't expect us to care what you think about what we look like.

   Happy Birthday 21st Amendment

   Big win for the Catholic church as Pope Francis takes Time Magazine's person of the year barely edging out finalists tea bagger Ted Cruz, prostitute Miley Cyrus, and worst president since Jefferson Davis Barack Obama.

   More people die of car accidents with a Deer than getting killed by terrorists. Maybe we should have them put on the al qaeda watch list.

   Anne Davies passes away and on the same day her twin sister Phil Mickelson is in the news for insider trading. What are the odds?

   You all need to listen to Ray Rice cover Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator". Its going to be a bit hit.

   Funny how the first 5 years I did it, my biggest fear was someone walking in on me doing it.. and now in the last 5 years I wouldn't bother doing it unless someone was watching me.